My Weight My Fault

Today I find myself blaming my weight for a certain event that has transpired over the weekend. When ever I feel rejection it is the first place I go to. I think to myself maybe if I wasn't a blob of a girl they would like me. I live in a real world where people love the outside sometimes before they take notice of the inside. I hate it and it hurts because I have so much to give but I find myself standing alone.

It's my weight and my fault no one sticks around.

Not Satisfied

I have been on my quest for a while now. I still am not sure how much weight I have lost, but I am pretty sure I have lost some. I am still not satisfied after seeing some recent photos. I feel a lot better since I have started my quest. I have so much more energy now. Being that I am not satisfied I will continue my quest.

Taking Notice

People are finally starting to notice my weight loss. I get remarks like "hey you have lost weight" or "I can tell your losing weight by your face is showing it." I am happy it means my efforts are not in vain. I have really been trying to get healthy on the inside and outside.

6 Miles

I have walked a total of 6 miles and the week just started. I am proud of myself for sticking with it. People are starting to take notice that the pounds are dropping and I am noticing my clothes are bigger.
I recently had a memory jar in my head a while back. A long time ago a guy I dated thought I was getting a bit bigger, well too much bigger for his taste. He told me to lose weight and he promised if I did he would buy me a new wardrobe. We will never be back together but I am wondering if he will keep his promise.

Pictures of the Past.

Well I went to my dads not so long ago to visit my brother. That in itself was hard to deal with thank goodness my dad wasn't there. I started looking at the family photos that were hanging and saw one of me from a few years back. Viewing them was very difficult. I was extremely skinny and unhealthy but to be honest looking back at them brought me some happiness. I was happy with the outside of my body then. Looking at them makes it hard not to fall into the habits that I was in to get that way. I fight everyday some times but I know that I can't go back. My body couldn't handle it.

Look on the Inside

I am still on my quest to lose weight. Not only have I been analyzing the outside of my body but the inside as well. A friend said to me this week, "your weight isn't the main issue there are things on the inside bringing you down."There are things that I need to work on. First and foremost I am not always right, and secondly I need not take to heart everything says to me. There are people in this world who speak some times without thinking.

Think Before They Speak

I really wish people would take under consideration what they say. I have had some hurtful things said to me about my weight whether intentionally or unintentionally.

For instance I was leaving work the other day and my co-workers had bought ice cream for every one to enjoy. I decided to pass on the ice cream because I have been trying hard to eat healthier. Well when my co-worker found out, they acted like they couldn't believe I turned down ice cream because I was fat. I mean they were in total shock. It hurt my feelings.

I wished sometimes people would think before they speak.

Hard Weekend and a Hammock

I am having a hard weekend. Watching my fat ass fall out of a hammock today was not a self esteem booster. I had the pleasure of seeing myself in a glass door once again. I felt like I was looking in a freaking funhouse mirror because I was so huge. Sometimes old habits die hard and I find myself trying not to fall back into those old habits. This weekend has been really sad and I have very little appetite.

Not Giving Up

I still haven't given up my quest. I was able to walk about 2 miles the other day. I have found myself trying to do some outdoor activities as well. Whether its tossing a football or hitting a volleyball. My body aches so bad afterwards that I want to cry but I am not giving up. I want to see progress, and I want to get healthy. I know I am never going to be a size 2 but I don't want to be the way I am.

Update

Things are going great I have good days and I have bad days. I am still exercising and trying to eat healthy. I am striving to feel good about me regardless of what is going on around me. Being positive is not always easy but it becomes necessary. I don't know if I have lost any weight but it doesn't matter as long as I am feeling better about me.

Not Quick Enough

I have been trying really hard to keep my new healthy lifestyle rolling. Sometimes no matter how hard I try I still feel disgusted. It's like I can't drop the weight quick enough, or at least not as quick as I would like to. I still am not ready to throw in the towel. I can't give up and I won't give up even if it is not quick enough in my eyes.

Making Strides

I have been walking and exercising everyday. I feel as if I am making small strides. I have even tried to eliminate all the soda's from my daily routine, and drink juice or water. I have avoided the ice cream and sweets thrown in my face at work. I am starting to feel healthier. I am starting to feel better about myself and that is progress.

A Dream

I have been walking the past couple of days and I feel better about myself. I am hoping that I can stay in a routine of walking at least every other day.
I did have an awesome dream last night. I dreamed I was jogging at an awesome pace. The great thing about the dream was I wasn't out of breath at all. I was in much better shape, hopefully this is a dream that will come true.

Horrible Weekend

I had a horrible weekend. It all started when I was walking at work and stepped on my co-workers glasses. They completely broke into pieces. It wasn't so bad until some one told me I made them bounce in the middle of the floor by walking. That all goes back to someone not thinking before they speak.
To top off my weekend I was at a cookout and I sat in a chair and broke it. That was embarrassing and it didn't help my quest at all.

Exercise

I am feeling a lot better today I was able to get some exercise yesterday and today without getting sick. It might not have been the most strenuous exercising but at least I feel way better. I always feel better about myself when I exercise.
On another note sometimes I don't think people realize that what they say can have an effect on how you feel about yourself. Even if they are just kidding. If anything I have learned to try to think before I speak.

The Enemy

I am really tired today. I feel like maybe I have lost some weight since I started this blog and then there are some days that I feel like I have gained weight. I have cut back on my eating but there are always those temptations around; like sweets, candy, cakes, brownies, which are the enemy for a fat girl like me.
I admit I could eat a lot healthier, but eating healthier cost money. I am on a tight budget and can afford to eat the way I would like or should. I wish I was a bit wealthier with a personal trainer and personal chef.

Mirror....Mirror

Well I looked in the mirror today and once again I hated what I saw. Maybe it was because I got a full body shot of myself. I didn't need to ask the mirror who was the fatest girl of all because I felt like it was me in that moment. I realized I looked like I could was about to give birth to a numerous amount of kids at any given minute. The children would be a blessing the weight I have however is not. I will just say I was not to pleased.

If At First

Well today has been a good day. I did indulge in some ice cream but not a lot. My body has been a little achy today I think it is because of all the weight I am carrying. I am thinking about trying to exercise again tomorrow maybe this time I won't get sick. I haven't decided how I am going to exercise I may try walking a trail. You know what they say if at first you don't succeed try again, and that is my intent.

Hungry

I was hungry so I decided to eat some crackers about an hour ago. Now I am hungry again. Why is that? How is it possible to eat and be hungry in a short period of time? I need my stomach to shrink and shrink now.

Making Strides

Today was not as bad as the past two days. I put on my pants this morning and they were a bit looser than the last time I wore them. This was a plus for me, but I still fell like I ate as if a cow would today. I did work today and was more active at work than normal. But is that enough? I avoided drinking a actual soda with dinner and chose a diet soda instead. However what is one diet soda going to do? I guess it is a step in the right direction. I want to see results fast, but I didn't put on this weight over night. I guess I won't be losing it over night. All I can do is make strides in the right direction.

Excercise

I tried to exercise and became ill. I was really determined when I began to exercises but after getting sick I lost my zeal. I was so out of breath after the first five minutes. So how am I going to loose any weight at this rate. I am tired of trying the exercise thing and getting sick.
On another I have not ate much today because I haven't felt like it. Still on my quest not sure where I am headed.

History

Last night I lay in bed thinking about my childhood and history. I wanted to see if there was a key to how I got this way. I remember when I was a small child my grandmother was constantly nagging me to eat, because I was a really active child and did not want to stop to eat. I also remember getting seconds as a child at a family function and my grandfather nagging me for doing so. I tried not to eat much growing up I wouldn’t even go to lunch at school because I was socially awkward. I could eat sweets growing up and burn off the fat quick but as I got older my metabolism caught up with me.
I got married early and went through a horrible divorce I lost a lot of weight after that. Of course I did it the wrong way by laxatives when I would eat, excessive exercise, and not eating. I was miserable but happy because I shed about 80 pounds in four months. I did it the wrong way and it caught up with me after eating the way I once did. I gained the weight back gradually. There for a while I was still using laxatives it cost me some major health problems. I one day made a promise to a person not to use them. I find it difficult not to use them but I don’t want to break a promise.
That brings me today I am overweight and can’t stand it. The day I start my quest I go to work to be faced with brownies and snicker bars on a desk. I am not giving up though.

The Quest Begins

For so long I have been tired of who I am. Who am I? Well I feel like I am a fat disgusting girl. I feel like those whom I love dearly are disgusted by my weight. Maybe that is why they don't want to touch me, maybe my weight is why I can't find true love. I am tired of being unhealthy and I am tired of feeling unfit to love. I know I am beautiful on the inside I just wish I was beautiful on the outside. I am tired of looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted with myself. I am tired of purchasing new clothes because I am can't fit in them year after year. I want to be able to exert myself with out being out of breath the first minute.

I decided to start this blog and a quest. I am starting a quest to loose weight and get healthy. I don't know how I am going to do these things. I figured blogging and letting my feelings out would be a great start. The question is where to go now on my quest. What is the next step?